60 year old women in lapbelts
these are my opinions and if you don't agree with them then you can get over it...
so the other day i got some spam mail from this guy telling the top 10 reasons why guys fail at getting girls...most of them revolved around being too passive or too nice... apparently girls don't go for nice guys... i being possibly the nicest guy in the world, fell victim to passing for 6 of the 10. which i found to be amazing... but really i fell into the "too nice" category, which is the worst of all the 10... i get to be close to people on a personal level that they don't find me attractive...girls don't want a relationship with the close friend...i thought about this statement and could only come to 3 conclusions...
1. women don't think the nice guy can rock their world in the bedroom...
that really bothers me...i can go all night if i get the chance, but the stereotypical nice guy is just too passive to ask or find out what or how the stereotypical woman wants to get screwed...is she a freak or a dyke, does she wanna watch porn while doing the nasty, does she want an inflatable sheep in the bed with us...or whatever.
B. women don't think the nice guy has ever had sex...
this one bothers me more than the previous...even nice guys get sympathy sex from time to time... of course that is assuming that the nice guy has done somesort of sport or activity that would cause injury, or the woman has seen his situation and realized that all women get off(in life) much easier...tickets, cars(daddy's little girl gets spoiled in one way or another...insurance, or possibly being handed their first car...i hate that...i had to buy my first clunker...and i loved that piece of crap...it didn't even run. it was a 1953 buick straight eight special... the car was as old as my mom...i bought it for 500 bucks and worked on that car everyday for hours and hours, for months on end...rebuilt the engine, redid the body and the interior... it was gonna be the most pimp ride ever, but then i moved to louisiana and my parents sold it for 200 bucks to some stranger. i poured my heart and soul into that car and for what? to be 300 bucks in debt? i don't think so... so i ran up a debt of 3000 dollars when i was in la and my parents bailed me out... of course i paid them back...2700 dollars anyway...they won't ever get that 300 from me. my mom keeps asking for that money, and i keep telling her that i will get her the money as soon as i can afford to...never...mwah ha ha ha(evil laugh))and
1234567891011121 um 3.women don't want to lose a close friend...
but what i don't understand is that all the women that i was really close to and then dated, stayed my close friends...i even still after years of not talking to them, am able to just continue where we left off in conversation...they will always be close to me...in fact, dating them actually brought us closer...so in otherwords i guess i am saying that i don't know what the hell i am talking about...which is probably what you the reader are thinking right now...where the hell did he get off subject and what the hell is he typing my thoughts for?
so after all this inner turmoil i have decided that i am too much of a nice guy...i mean every girl that i have ever met and talked to for more than 5 or 6 minutes has told me that i am really nice or too nice...but i don't know what to do about it... i can't be an asshole...even though in these days women seem to fawn over those guys...the very aggressive guys that call women sluts and hoes...not the rappers but the big musclebound freaks that are too insecure with what they are or were before, they used to look like me...but they have more testosterone...at least i think so...which is probaly why women think these extremely flatulant guys are sooo good in bed. doesn't make sence to me
but on to new and better things...
i work in the dorm building that i live in, and everyday my boss comes and looks for me...not to see if i am working...but to see if i have left town yet... i have my desktop hooked up to my tv so that i have extended my desktop...and i got this really cool program that randomizes my background, and i have all sorts of women randomly from hundreds of sites, everyone of the pictures has something about the girl that i like, whether it be the butt, the chest, the eyes, the smile...or dare i say the age...take that one either way and it looks bad...young girls get you in more trouble than older ones, but who can be attracted to a 60 something woman stretching out her undersides? who? besides a 60 or ...well i don't think anyone older than 69 can get it up...but a ...never mind...freaks...thats all freaks...
well anyway my boss is close to 40, married and has a couple of kids... he dug in my neighbor's trash for some nsync magazines...brandon you are gay... but anyways...i forget to call him or find him when he comes over to my building, and anyway he came over one day and i had my porn rand...i mean background randomizer going and i swear, if i wasn't in the room he would have been whacking it. halloween last year...the one that we just had, miranda, tammy, niel, mike, mike and i went trickortreating to his house...we said that we would...but we tested the old man...mike and i went to the door, rang the doorbell and he came out and shoed us away...but then miranda and tammy went to the door...pushing us out of the way, and my boss changed his attitude really quick...i am sure he had sex with his wife that night... but the really awful part about my boss is that he always mentions stuff about his sex life, but not as casually or jokingly as i do...he will get one of the recall-calls and ----i am leaving my fag-boss' name out...
hi "boss" theres so many missing and so many there...whatever
hi kid ...my wife isn't home and the kids are gone what do you think i am doing?
...um i don't wanna know and i have to go...so ...bye
now that is just creepy and borderline gay...no its not...its gay. i think the old man was coming on to me...and in the office when i had to go up there it was so much worse...everyday, that guy was talking about his penis, talking about his lacking sex life...wait a sec...this is sounding like me...alright i vow to not talk about my penis everytime update my memoirs or whatever you wanna call this crap that i keep...writing... and that guy when he types he uses alot of 3 periods in his writtings... it gets really...annoying...doesn't...it...? i vow to not do that as much...i won't quit and you can't make me...my mom didn't raise me to be a quitter and i don't think she raised you to be one either. speaking of quitting, according to these new commercials about smoking cigs, it is more deadly to inhale second hand smoke than it is to blah blah blah, what that means is, if you are gonna be around someone that smokes, you should be smoking too...its more healthy for you to smoke than it is for you to inhale someones exhale...i guess that means that kissing while smoking would be really bad for ya. another thing that is really misleading is airlines, do you honestly think that a lapbelt is gonna save you if you crash? we should be frozen in carbonite if we really wanted to be safe...i think the only reason why we don't do that, besides technology is if someone defrosts too early they could take over the plane and cause more terrorist acts...but this whole 9-11 thing happening again thats just stupid...
oh and i was watching a rerun of snl last week and they had norm doing the weekend update, and apparently 3 years ago(i think) there was a bill passed authorizing the gov't permission to deport terrorists...all i am wondering is why did we even need to pass a bill or law or whatever making it ok to get rid of terrorists? but honestly i am tired of hearing about the whole thing...i have friends from saudi and friends from egypt and all over the middle-east. does that make me a bad person, i don't think so, women have already deemed me nice. even the really old ones, like my grandma and all her friends...age=experience...and i know all my friends have heard me say that. i don't care. so the time before last that i was on a plane, i met a girl in the airport and she was getting on the same flight as i was...she introduced herself to me, and we got along pretty nicely...we got our seats, and wouldn't you know it, there was a 60 year old woman in a lapbelt right next to me and my new friend was right across the aisle...the sixty woman was too afraid to unbuckle and trade seats with my friend so she and i talked across the aisle...now i don't know about you but i can't be rude to an old woman...my friend and i were talking and talking away, and the more she and i talked the more the sixty would listen and chime in whenever she wanted to about the most unrelated stuff...sortof like what i do...look at the camels... but we landed and my friend and i went for a smoke. she was cute and, wierd...she wanted to be one of those people that puts makeup on dead people in the morgue. now i am not one to judge and she was actually nice and warmed up to me, so when she offered her phone number i offered mine right back and decided that i might visit her on my way to texas...so i got on my next plane on my way to virginia, but i saw her off to her plane going to boston. if you know anything about the us, then you probably know that boston is nowhere near on-the-way to texas from virgina...it was almost 10 hours out of the way...which means that i was adding 20 hours to my trip right from the start...so the foolish boy in me decides to take that trip. i left my house and on my way i called the infamous jen...i will tell you her story another time...anyways...so ten hours later i find her. she gives great directions, but mapquest gives better. so i spent one night with her. slept with her on the couch, she wanted to get down, but i took some tranq pill and couldn't get it up...damn. but she had a good night...i have a tongue like a monster. so i left in the afternoon after touring boston on one of the worst weather days of the year up there...but i left...get to virginia...slept for 2 hours and then drove to baton rouge...slept 2 hours and drove to san antonio...all in all, it was a very long and boring drive...but i didn't get any tickets this time...the last time that i drove to baton rouge, i pulled over at a rest stop to nap. i awoke and this guy parked within inches of my car and was doing something on the passenger side...he saw that i was awake and decided to whip it out and start jerking it right there at the rest stop...that will wake up anyone...so i start the car and haul ass out of there...but he got in his car and was following me. we were both doing close to 90 when i saw him give up and pull off the highway...i started to slow down and i guess i was doing around 70 or so, that was the speed limit...about 5 miles up the road a i see cop lights and i pull over to the side of the road...the cop came over and asked how fast i thought i was going...i said close to 70...he said more like 83...that is what he clocked me at, 5 miles ago...he was hiding at an onramp. he wouldn't let me explain or anything he just issued me a ticket...i tried to explain the situation...he said i had to show up in court and everything...that is what they were doing on mississippi highways at the time...so i said whatever and i hate you, or something to that effect and left...the moral of that story is don't take drugs if you are planning on getting some action...and don't sleep at reststops unless you are gay...now since that trip, i have been confronted or gotten to know 10 gay men, and maybe 10 women...only one of those girls was gay...but she will remain unnamed...we don't want one of those bets about who can sleep with her first going around. everyone is so up in arms about gays in the military and if a rumor gets passed then everyone looks down on them. i personally don't give a rat's ass if someone is gay, just so long as they respect my sexual preference(women(i prefer women(exclusively)). but on the occassion that a guy does find me attractive i get a good laugh and a funny feeling...do i come off as gay?...i have no fashion sence, highlights, designer clothes, etc., etc...so i have proven to the world or a very small bit of the world that even if you aren't gay, don't act gay, don't dress gay,...etc...you can still be seen as gay...wtf. and whats the deal with lesbianism anyway? tongues, fists and fingers...thats all it is...and toys but i don't think that they count. just like in chasing amy, i don't consider it anything more than oral sex...thats all lesbianism is...oral sex. intercourse is something totally different. two opposite sexual organs meeting. that can be something beautiful. especially asian porn, the cartoon type. did you know that asian, i am not sure which countries, can't show a penis entering the vagina if they use real actors...i don't even think they can show a penis...but in the cartoons you can see the stuff whether it be a penis, or toy or whatever, entering the vagina from the inside or the outside. its like playing cartoon-porn-doctor. now the assumption is that every single freaking person in this world played doctor with a girl or a friend at some point in their childhood. i haven't. i still have never played spin the bottle. between 6th and 7th grade this girl wanted me to play with her and her brother...i wasn't having it...two reasons...
1. i am not gay...i guess i gave off those vibes as soon as i hit puberty.
2. incest is ...well, gross.
but somehow i got talked into playing and as soon as it was my turn, i spun to the brother...and i left. there was no way i was gonna kiss this guy...so many things are so wrong with playing with 2/3 guys...i mean there is always a 50/50 chance of kissing a guy. so game over. now if you play with even numbers atleast you are more likely to kiss a member of the opposite sex. next time you go to a retirement home try playing spin the bottle. those old folks love that game. its more action than they get all year...backgammon can be really boring...play spin the bottle instead. the 60 year old women in wheel chairs love the game too, if they can spin the bottle...if they can't just pull out the twister spin wheel. theres nothing like getting kissed by a handicapped 60 year old. oh and they have to use tongue too, otherwise you can just imagine that you are with your old soon to be dead relatives. make an old woman happy, leave her plugged in. that reminds me of what i started on this whole tangent for...that girl in boston...the one that wanted to be a dead person's makeup artist, thought i was the perfect guy...and around 3 weeks of being in san antonio, i tried to call her place in boston. her sister picked up(she was going to school there), and said that my friend tried to kill herself...she slit her wrists and overdosed on tranqulizers. i make 2 girls gay and the other wants to kill herself...and people wonder why i am single... well the moral of that story is i am dangerous, like a 22 year old nice and/or gay james bond with a monster tongue.
well thats it... tune in next time for hungry hungry hippos vs sockem bopems... which one will stand for all time? only time will tell.
my favorite person in the whole world, me, and here are some of me's stuff
home...thats where i keep all my stuff
#2 seahorses
#4 girl that did that horrible thing all that time ago
